For months, my friends had insisted that I make a Tinder account. And for months, I
kept up a strong, noble resistance. I have nothing against Tinder or anybody who
uses it, but personally, I could never get used to the idea of dating through an app.
But as all the glorious peer pressure stories go, alas, I finally gave in a few weeks
ago.
Needless to say, I’ve had an interesting experience. Here are some of the types of
girls I’ve come across so far:
1. The Enigma: the otherworldly creature who somehow opts out of all 6500
human languages and communicates singularly through erudite
combinations of capital and lowercase lol’s, LOL’s, and LOLLLLL’s.
2. The Visually Assaulting: this girl made you drop your phone and mentally
apologize to your grandma for what you’ve just witnessed because her boobs
popped up uninvited on your screen and you weren’t ready for that in a
public (or private) place.
3. The Trap: the outgoing, funny one who temporarily restores your hope in
Tinder because you seem to click right off the bat.
Fast forward one week…this girl can’t stop won’t stop texting, each
text being a complete manifesto cluttered with cringe-worthy heart
emojis. For your safety, you start texting back only when you’re
drunk.
4. The Mutual Friend: you have 3742 mutual friends with this girl so you’re
excited and you assume she must be cool. Then you talk to her and she’s so
dry you think your skin might start to flake. You now understand why you
haven’t met her yet. You stop texting her back. Of course, you meet her by
chance the next week when she stops to have a (way too long) conversation
with your friend at the dining hall. If you don’t tell, I won’t tell?
5. The one named “Ryan”: the one wearing a fraternity bro tank and
shotgunning a beer because dear god he’s actually a man and he’s very, very
hairy. He’s positive he’s going to be the one guy you invite to have a
threesome.
I know…everyone’s shocked that after all that, I’m still not married. Right now, my
options aren’t looking too bright and I can’t say whether I’ll keep testing my luck or
not.
The good news? I’m now better than ever at remembering which side is left and
which is right.