Arts & Entertainment, Miscellaneous, Uncategorized
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No, I’m Not Interested in a Threesome: The Tinder Types

For months, my friends had insisted that I make a Tinder account. And for months, I

kept up a strong, noble resistance. I have nothing against Tinder or anybody who

uses it, but personally, I could never get used to the idea of dating through an app.

But as all the glorious peer pressure stories go, alas, I finally gave in a few weeks

ago.

PicMonkey Collage

Needless to say, I’ve had an interesting experience. Here are some of the types of

girls I’ve come across so far:

1. The Enigma: the otherworldly creature who somehow opts out of all 6500

human languages and communicates singularly through erudite

combinations of capital and lowercase lol’s, LOL’s, and LOLLLLL’s.

2. The Visually Assaulting: this girl made you drop your phone and mentally

apologize to your grandma for what you’ve just witnessed because her boobs

popped up uninvited on your screen and you weren’t ready for that in a

public (or private) place.

 

3. The Trap: the outgoing, funny one who temporarily restores your hope in

Tinder because you seem to click right off the bat.

Fast forward one week…this girl can’t stop won’t stop texting, each

text being a complete manifesto cluttered with cringe-worthy heart

emojis. For your safety, you start texting back only when you’re

drunk.

 

4. The Mutual Friend: you have 3742 mutual friends with this girl so you’re

excited and you assume she must be cool. Then you talk to her and she’s so

dry you think your skin might start to flake. You now understand why you

haven’t met her yet. You stop texting her back. Of course, you meet her by

chance the next week when she stops to have a (way too long) conversation

with your friend at the dining hall. If you don’t tell, I won’t tell?

 

5. The one named “Ryan”: the one wearing a fraternity bro tank and

shotgunning a beer because dear god he’s actually a man and he’s very, very

hairy. He’s positive he’s going to be the one guy you invite to have a

threesome.

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I know…everyone’s shocked that after all that, I’m still not married. Right now, my

options aren’t looking too bright and I can’t say whether I’ll keep testing my luck or

not.

The good news? I’m now better than ever at remembering which side is left and

which is right.

Filed under: Arts & Entertainment, Miscellaneous, Uncategorized

by

Amy Wang is a 4th year Business Economics major and Education Studies Minor at UCLA. One of her greatest fears since childhood has been accidentally stepping on a sidewalk crack and breaking her momma’s back. If you ever find yourself looking for a dedicated gym buddy to keep you accountable, you should definitely not call Amy because she’ll probably navigate you to the nearest taco truck instead.

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