Graphic by Jeanine Lee
Coming out is a big step for everyone, but for people who like to take things to creative extremes, coming out entails a stage, props, and alcohol an audience. Sharing this special moment in front of the entire Bruin body means that The Gays™, in our mission to conquer the world, can officially landmark your coming out location as a designated Gay Zone. Start marking territory with LGBTUrine immediately and make the world a better place! (It’s a fact that every place becomes better once it becomes gayer.)
- Inverted Fountain:
Pour dye of every color in the fountain to create a beautiful, rainbow oasis and splash around while screaming, “Hello, World! I’m gay!” Realistically, the colors will mix together, the water will turn brown, and passing students will think you shit yourself, but anything is better than going to class. They will thank you for the entertainment.
- Spaulding Field:
Crash a football game (or whatever sport is currently practicing…we’re gay, we don’t follow sport seasons) by intercepting the ball, dribbling to the basket, and scoring a touchdown. When a sports broadcaster appears and asks for an interview after your incredible performance, stare straight into the camera and say, “I’m the Second Coming of Adam Rippon.”
- Fraternity Row:
This place already smells like weed piss, so your fruity LGBTUrine won’t make a solid enough impact. To properly stake your claim on this heavily-guarded mating territory, bring a stereo blasting Lana Del Rey and chant “Island of Lesbos!” until the fraternity bros can’t take it anymore and surrender. Take over Alpha Pi and throw an Alpha Bi house party to celebrate your coming out!
- Bruin Walk:
Prep: Make flyers at home that advertise your gayness. At school, stop traffic by doing the moonwalk on Bruin Walk, then when you reach the dreaded flyer zone, distribute the joyful flyers to students who will be relieved that you aren’t club recruiting…or are you?
- Gene Block’s Office:
Take advantage of his office hour and hound him for every second of those 10 minutes until he agrees to create a remote-controlled robot who will do your coming out for you: “My code is binary, but I am not.”
- Bruin Plate:
Go to the only acceptable dining hall on campus and start making really subtle comments that hint at your queerness like, “Do you serve Antoni’s Guac?” or “I have a Queer Eye™ for detail and those seasoned purple potatoes look scrumptious,” or even, “Excuse me, I’m allergic to all things non-gay.” People will catch on quicker than you think.
- Janss Steps:
Cover up the steps with a tarp made up of all the pride flags stitched together to create the biggest, gayest, wettest Slip ‘N Slide known to man. Charge $5 a ride for all straights.
- Murphy Sculpture Garden:
In order to make sure people know you’re a masterpiece, create a fancy plaque that says, “UCLA’s Perfect Gay Specimen,” and bring it to the garden. Once the garden gets poppin’ with napping students, place it on the ground, stand next to it, and strike a too-complex-for-straight-people pose. Do this every single day in between your classes for at least 5 hours a day.
- Bruin Bear Statue:
Mount, straddle, and yeehaw! Nothing else needs to be done…everyone will just get it.
- LGBT Center:
The LGBT center is an open and safe environment that offers amazing coming out resources. They wouldn’t mind at all if you barged in to sing “Ring of Keys” – in fact, they would probably give you a microphone and then fight you for the spotlight.
All jokes aside, you can come out wherever or whenever you want to, or not at all! If you do come out, you can join OutWrite and write about your experience. If you don’t, you can still join OutWrite and write anonymously. Just remember to be super safe while being super gay!