As a young, naive preteen, I dreamed of having an attentive boyfriend who would love me forever and give me flowers and cake everyday or something. As a young, naive teenager who realized she was into girls, I came to understand that my ideal relationship would be nothing like my first relationship, which was with another girl in our religious, all-girls high school.
I was fine with this development, but it made me realize that all the preconceived notions of identity within a relationship were obsolete. Dating this girl meant eschewing traditional gender roles and turning my back on the ochlocracy of heterosexuality which had loomed over me from day one.
Melodrama aside, I really was confused by how to navigate being in this relationship. I was plagued by the questions my straight friends asked me about ‘roles’ in the relationship. To clarify any confusion for all of the young queer girls out there, I’ve compiled a list of rules that are imperative if you want to have a good relationship.
(Disclaimer: this girl and I are no longer together. It wasn’t a good relationship.)
1. ALWAYS ASCRIBE TO GENDER ROLES. If you’re dating another girl, one of you has to be femme and one of you has to be butch. I’m sorry, but that’s how to make it last. Better start growing out/getting that undercut hairstyle, depending on who you’re with and what they look like.
2. STAY IN THE CLOSET. No one likes being assaulted with someone else’s sexuality. Leave the PDA to the straight teen couples who hump each other on park benches! Trust me, no one will be happy to know you’re dating another girl, so why not just come up with a traditionally male name and go with that? Your friends will never meet Brad, but you’ve deceived them and that’s what matters.
3. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT INTIMACY. As we all know, sex is defined exclusively by how the heterosexuals do it. So honestly, if you were thinking of losing your virginity to each other after prom, don’t bother. As someone in my high school sex ed class once said, “If it’s two girls, it doesn’t count.”
4. WHEN ON DATES, NO ONE CAN PAY FOR ANYTHING. As we all know, men are big strong providers who have to look out for the women they date, both physically and fiscally. If you and your girlfriend are out at a restaurant, you must wait for the nearest man to pay the bill for you. If that means you’re there for three days, so be it. Think of it as a bonding opportunity.
5. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T BRAINWASH THE CHILDREN. When I dated a girl in high school, we inadvertently encouraged queer girls in younger grades to be comfortable with who they are. In our strict Christian school environment, we were some of the first to accept our sexuality. This is a terrible idea, because it made other queer girls realize they can be happy with being themselves, and we can’t have that.
So there you go! The definitive guide to queer girl dating! You’re welcome!