Illustrated by Chrys Marr (She/They)
This poem was originally published in our Winter 2022 Volume 2 print issue “Wanting: A Queer Beauty & Burden.“
magician you don’t listen
all your tricks have worked on me
I’m in a hundred million pieces and we last spoke in my dreams
please lead me back inside the gardens where our lives and love have peaked
I close my eyes and there is darkness
feel your body next me,
breathing,
slowly.
we say we do it for the ruse
I hate it that you know me
I’m in your shirt
you’re in my shoes
the one as close as who you miss the most
I am afraid I have bad news
and when I say it
when I break it, darling
you are what I’ll lose
and I can’t ask you for advice about you
whose,
poems are in my pockets,
against my knees, my rhythm walking
dear body
calm down
I can feel my heart climbing out
it joins our four feet on the front porch
we used to run
we stand so still now
under a veil of all the glory days
of magic shows on summer days
you want to be a father
I want to be a doctor holding life tightly inside my hands,
to be the groove inside the music inside your mind that makes you dance
you light my heart on fire until all the veins are flames
this is pulling rabbits out of hats out of the illusion we maintain
and the words begin to form
I’m coming over
I’m on my way
I am standing at your doorstep only seconds before I say,
you,
who doesn’t ask me for advice about me because you know everything about me
you,
who is sleeping in my bed
my hand your head
I try and whisper softly
you know you’ve always got me
that there is no such thing as a hypothetical
a random question
an accidental fear or doubt
in your own words the friend who is in love with the other will drive themselves crazy if they try to keep it down
if you can never be with them completely it will break you,
gut you
deeply.
and you are killing me slowly
I really hate it that you know me,
that your mouth isn’t closed
you’re saying you didn’t know
that I’ve undercut our trust and that
I need to go
dear body
calm down
my heart’s on the ground
someone is closing the door
blur world
no sound
only two feet on the front porch
as my hands are shaking and my lips are sore
I tried and I tried
you don’t want to see me anymore
and you looked sure
you looked sure
you looked sure.
magician,
you split me in two: your best friend until the end and the one who’s so in love with you
just as close as who I miss the most
I am what you lose
remove my poems from your pockets, honor the words until they vanish too
and maybe notice
I became the surgeon
still ripping people open
paying for a life with the shards of ours that still lay broken
a big house
a nice car
saltwater pool in the yard
a little herb garden
a cat and a dog
no kids but still we grew
you had your own and I had you
who,
is forever killing me slowly
i don’t know you
you don’t know me
Credits:
Author: Jackson Harris (He/Him)
Artist: Chrys Marr (She/They)
Copy Editors: Emma Blakely (They/She/He), Bella (She/They)