Artwork by Cole Lopez (They/Them)
The morning my grandfather died
I slept.
An ocean away I dreamt
that an angel leaned to kiss his cheek
And I tried to push it away but instead
I screamed
My hands passing through into nothing
As the darkness
consumed me too.
I do not believe in angels
But sometimes in life
I still stand
Paralyzed.
Afraid to move
I stand still
Afraid to live
breath held tight in my chest
Sacred captive
Gut wrenching
Hands trembling
Still.
Sometimes before sleep
I lay still
Paralyzed.
in hope
in utter fear
That death will pass me by
Mistaking me for the dead
The soulless still
Where breath has already been taken
Forgotten in the stillness
I live
I am alive
I am flesh still.
My heart beats still.
From birth to this moment
From this moment to darkness
I live
Even just in moments
I am alive…
Remember that night?
With her?
I felt so alive then
That night the waning moon hung
and she sat by the still water
Silent.
Everything
was silent
I was broken and her soul radiated into the night
those sunburst eyes
breathing life into me
stealing breath from my lungs
As the stillness was broken
Suddenly
The song of a thousand frogs
chirruping freely
Unconcerned
We had become invisible to them
As we held our breath…
Alive
The nights
cold but living
Warm with your body next to me
Our blood pulsing
buzzing through our veins
Sleep pushed from me
So I could breathe you longer
My body taking you in
The rise and fall of your sleeping breath
an ocean’s waves
gentle lapping on the shore
The rise of your hips
dawn in glorious pinks and oranges
Your hair slowly tumbling over your shoulder
Stirring sweet oat fields and wildflowers
filling my nose
The memory of kisses warm
buzzing still
The memory on my lips
warm
on the tender flesh of your breasts
Afraid the memory will betray me
break the stillness
and wake you
I force my hand to lay still
in yours
As I feel you breathing in my arms
Alive…
Then came the swelling of your belly
Life growing there
Miraculous
But not a life I made with you.
Life that I wanted but that didn’t belong to me
You told me so yourself
You didn’t belong to me
Life didn’t belong to me
Again I held my breath.
Still
Paralyzed.
As you spoke the words
The world spun
and I reached for you
You leaned over to kiss my cheek
But my hands passed through you
Into nothing.
I was still
Alive…
But it was painful to breathe
At times
I stay still
Close my eyes
Holding my breath
Imagine if I just reach out
If I just raise my hand…
I don’t.
But if I just raise my hand
I will feel you there again
If I am just still enough
I will hear the faintness of your breath
Feel your sunburst eyes on me
Me.
Alive.
Credits:
Author: Cole Lopez (They/Them)
Artist: Cole Lopez (They/Them)