HIEEEEEEEEEEE. Sorry to everyone who missed my articles for the past few weeks–I was she-occupied with various events, and then I got sick(ening) and had to spend most of my time hacking up a lung instead of typing away at a computer.
BUT HERE WE ARE! All Stars 2 has officially ended, and I’m here to catch y’all up on what went down over the season. Since so much happened, I can’t go into great detail, but I’ll be sure to include the important shit.
Here. We. Go.
The queens were challenged to perform in a lip-sync dance number inspired by legendary women throughout her-story. Alyssa Edwards, who performed as Annie Oakley, and Detox, who performed as Marie Antoinette, were chosen as the Top 2, and Ginger Minj and Katya were placed into the bottom two. Alyssa won the lip sync and sent ye ol Glamour Toad Minj home. Take that Phi Phi, who was trying to play mindgames with Alyssa during rehearsal to bring her down. Katya as Princess Diana was very lukewarm, but the tea on the RPDR subreddit said that she was ORIGINALLY supposed to play Marie Antoinette, but at the last second was asked to switch to Princess Di….hmmm….interesting….
Anyways, Alyssa was absolutely amazing in this episode and blew everyone else out of the fucking water with her performance. Check her out, and the rest of the queens in their performance of HERstory of the World right here!
This week, the All Stars were paired up and tested their acting skills in parody she-quels of some of RuPaul’s favorite movies. Alaska and Alyssa were paired up for “Wha’ Ha’ Happened to Baby JJ,” Detox and Katya in “Velma and Weezy,” and Phi Phi and Roxxxy (yikes) in “Showsquirrels.” Yet again, Phi Phi was up to her classic mind games, and last second convinced Roxxxy to switch parts with her. Poor Roxxxy, who already isn’t the best at acting, had to re-learn all of her lines and the final product was…….rough. Meanwhile, Alyssa was falling miles behind Alaska in their production because Alaska’s just too goddamn good at acting, and Alyssa’s too goddamn Alyssa to try to portray any other character (I still love her tho). Katya and Detox SLAYED their skit and served up some zombie realness.
In the end Alaska and Phi Phi were chosen as the top two, and Alaska prevailed. Thank GOURD. However, she eliminated Alyssa instead of fucking Roxxxy Andrews, continuing to prove that Rolaskatox is alive and thriving. But, Roxxxy definitely did poorly solely due to Phi Phi’s plotting. Fuck that bitch.
But, just when you thought the episode was over, THE MOST WAS YET TO COME. The queens re-entered the workroom, as they usually do at the beginning of each episode, and Phi Phi started going OFF about how Alyssa was constantly being pardoned for her “poor performances” and some other stuff that my angry brain just sort of drowned out because listening to Phi Phi angry-talk for more than 30 milliseconds makes me want to rip my eardrums out. BUT THEN.
Right as Phi Phi’s bitter rant was escalating to it’s tippy top, the workroom mirror was revealed to be a FAKE, RuVealing the FOUR ELIMINATED QUEENS (including ALYSSA!!!!!) looking mad as FUCK at everyone.
THE SHADE OF IT ALL.
Phi Phi’s jaw dropped when she realized what had happened and that she got fucking caught red handed. But tbh, whose jaw didn’t hit the fucking floor during this scene?
It’s here. The dreaded stand-up comedy episode. Always triggering, always painful, always shocking. For this episode, it was RuVealed that the four eliminated queens would be paired up with a remaining queen, and that they would be performing these stand-up routines as pairs, with Roxxxy, the winner of the mini challenge, as the host (RIP Roxxxy. Girl knows she can’t act. She came out here to have a good time and win mini challenges and she gets thrust with that). Alyssa and Alaska chose to be paired up again, to get some RuDemption from the last time they were paired. Tatianna and Detox chose to pair up because they’re both raunchy AF and love being shady. Katya and Ginger were obvi paired up because they’re the season 7 Old Lady Brigade BFFs, and that left Phi Phi and Coco as a pair because they’re…both equally mediocre? Idk.
Ru RuVealed that she would choose the top 2 pairs, and that the lip sync would be between the two previously eliminated queens, and the winner would win the right to return to the competition AS WELL AS eliminate one of the bottom queens (who were chosen as Roxxxy and Phi Phi).
At the end of all the acts, Detox and Tatianna and Alaska and Alyssa were chosen as the Top 2 pairs, so Tati and Alyssa faced it off in a STUNNING lipsync to fucking Shut Up and Drive by Rihanna, and boy was I LIVING. Alyssa is always absolutely sickening because she can fucking DANCE, and Tati was fucking holding her own against Alyssa Edwards and I was feeling wayyyy too many emotions to be watching this with other people around, but THEN
Mamma Ru, bless her lovely heart, decides to save BOTH Tati and Alyssa, allowing them both the power to eliminate one queen each. And you know what they did?
THEY BOTH CHOSE TO ELIMINATE PHI PHI.
But that’s not even IT.
Phi Phi gets REALLY salty, and when Alyssa goes in to hug her goodbye, Phi Phi literally swoops away and is like “NOPE NOT YOU” and then makes a dramatic point to hug literally every other queen there all the while looking like this:
You can bet I was rolling on the floor screaming with joy. Good. Fucking. Bye. Phi Phi. You manipulative she-demon, you.
Aaaaaand welcome back Alyssa and Tati! Y’all are the real baes <3
This week, the queens served up some entrepreneurial realness as they were challenged to create an original drag-influenced product and advertise it in a commercial shoot. The winner of the challenge and lip sync would win $10,000 and their product will be sold at this year’s Drag Con! Alyssa advertised her “Drop Dead Gorgeous GoGo Juice,” Detox, a “trash talking trash can” that said Detox catch phrases, Tatianna’s TaTEA set, Roxxxy Andrews’ wig glue and instructional video, Alaska’s fashion tape, and Katya’s anxiety control spray “Krisis Kontrol.” Besides Roxxxy, who had a……rough time with her commercial and Tati, who sadly wasn’t shady enough in her commerical, everyone did a pretty good job! But not good enough to save everyone! (RIP wish we could.)
In the end, Katya and Alaska were selected as the Top 2, and duked it out in another lip sync face off against each other, with the same Bottom two (Roxxxy and Tati). Somehow Alaska managed to win AGAIN, and chose to send home fucking Tatianna AGAIN because #rolaskatox
Literally in the Untucked, Roxxxy is basically asking to go home because she knew she had performed the worst AND has constantly been in the bottom since her win Episode 1.
@ Katya: WHY. DO. YOU. KEEP. THROWING. LIP. SYNCS. Girl, I know you’ve got those gymnastic Russian hooker skills that were ever-present during your Season 7 lip syncs, but here….and now…..you’s a mess. Girl you know you need the money to buy new wigs…we’ve seen all of them and we demand MORE.
THIS IS IT. THE FINAL EPISODE BEFORE THE CROWNING. The remaining queens were surprised with some of the Leading Ladies from their lives back at home, who they’d be dragging-up for the runway as well as a special voguing feature. Detox was joined by her sister Heather, Alaska and Katya by their mothers, Roxxxy by her grandmother (tbt to the bus stop incident am i right????), and Alyssa by her sister Tabatha. It was especially emotional for Alyssa and Detox, because their siblings’ visits were timed around the anniversary of the death of one of their parents, Detox’s dad, and Alyssa’s mom.
While Detox was given some extra strength in her time of need by her sister, Alyssa seemed to get pulled into a darker, emotional place with her sister serving as a reminder of how Alyssa had pulled away from her family after the passing of her mother, channeling all of her energy and mind into performing.
On the runway, Detox and his sister, who went as D-Rama absolutely SLAYED (per usual) with a perfectly in-sync voguing routine, and gorgeous matching Marco Marco dresses. Meanwhile, Katya and her mother stole the show with their “Real Housewives of Minsk,” story-driven runway, with Katya’s mom as a Russian peasant woman, selling Katya, her daughter, on the black market. These two were chosen as this week’s Tops, leaving Alyssa, Alaska, and Roxxxy in the bottom.
Detox won the lip sync, and in true Rolaskatox fashion, eliminated Alyssa, despite Alaska’s extremely negative critiques about the lack of effort she put into this challenge. Plus the ugly baby tantrum she had in the Untucked while realizing she could be eliminated after being so lazy about this challenge was not cute. Like, her mom was literally wearing fucking flip flops on the runway. FLIP FLOPS. AAAANd a garment that was so cheap and simplistic, even Derrick Berry could have fucking made it. But that’s all in the past now, and with Alyssa eliminated (RIP my QUEEN), that leaves the Top 4 as Rolaskatox ft. Katya.
IT’S HERE. IT’S QUEER. AND I’M SALTY ABOUT IT. I ain’t spoilin this shit for nobody. Like, if you’re really reading this, expecting just to know who wins, just fucking google it. The finale was so much and the winner was…expected, yet not satisfying. To watch the finale, visit http://www.logotv.com/ and tune in next Thursday to watch the Ru-Union episode, where all the past queens are re-invited to a live show where they spill the tea of whent went down behind the scenes.
Till next time, and don’t forget: