Poetry

Straight Women Rules: A Guide to Being the Perfect Lesbian®

illustration of a lesbian holding a perfect lesbian trophy on top of a podium

Illustration by Paheli (She/Her)

There’s a lot of wondering and a lot of waiting.

I understand what you might be feeling.

I know that you’re biting your tongue,

and always waiting till you make them uncomfortable.

Waiting until you cross a boundary you didn’t know they put up.

Till you hit a nerve they say they unlearned.

Till a hug is too long.

Till a compliment is too specific.

Till a girl you say is hot looks a little too much like them.

You wait for the moment when they get tired of you.

Tired of your stress and longing.

When will I get a girlfriend?

Is this outfit too gay?

I’m sad.

Should I come out to x, y, z?

Do you think she likes me?

I’m angry.

Wow, I hate being gay.

Did you hear about Colorado?

She’s so hot.

Wow, I love being gay.

Did you hear what Tucker said?

There’s a quota of questions you can ask them.

You can’t help but wonder: how many is too many?

How much is too much?

You know they love you, but to what extent is frankly nebulous.

You know they’re okay with one rainbow sticker on your Hydro Flask, but you wonder if they think your second is overdoing it.

Every day, you try your hardest to put a good name, to be the best representative of your kind. But there are so many rules to keep track of.

If you’re tired of dealing with Chronic Lesbian Stress Syndrome, then you’ve come to the right place. Here is an itemized list of how to be the Perfect Lesbian® to your local straight friend:

Talk about queer issues so you give them a chance to be an ally and feel good about themselves. But don’t make everything political. And please Don’t Say Gay too often.
Be pretty but not hyper femme — they’re going to think of the porn they watch.
Don’t be ugly; they’ll think that about all of you.
Dress straight to fit in but not so straight they get anxious that they won’t be able to detect your kind.
Make jokes so you’re funny. Be as likable as possible, trust me, you’ll need it someday.
Talk about romance so they don’t think you’re a loser who just couldn’t pull guys but not too much that you’re predatory.
Talk about hot guys, be cool! Don’t be boring.
Answer all their questions, be the expert! It does not matter if they make you uncomfortable. And remember, you have a quota of questions you can ask — they don’t.
Go to frat parties, but don’t look at the girls too much. Keep your eyes in check.
But point out a hot girl now and then — it’s fun for them to hear.
Let them flirt with you occasionally — it’s fun for them to do.
Make out with them in front of the DJ so they feel edgy. But never enjoy it, keep your Pulse slow, and always keep your lips loose and your hands down so they’re in control of stopping.
Sing the words to their favorite songs, but don’t dance too close.
When getting ready, focus on their eyes or your phone. Change in the bathroom if you can.
Be their gay best friend. Let them make the friendship their personality, but don’t you dare make your identity yours.
Don’t compliment the wrong one or you could end up tied to a fence in Laramie.
Let them use whatever words they want. They’re friends with you, right?
Don’t be a gay girl. Be a straight girl who happens to be gay.
Be friends with them.
(But always know your place.)