“Why am I so f****** AWKWARD?” “Alan, it’s not that bad,” you want to say to the dorky guy kicking a blow-up clown. “Pretty much everybody has a ‘Magic Tree House’ phase.”

Of course, you can’t say this because in this version of the world, you would have almost certainly perished in whatever cataclysm left Alan Alderman the last man alive. He now lives in his mother’s basement, explaining his circumstances to a tape recorder for posterity.